Good Morning!

[Killerbunny]

Alberta Chickens etc. A poultry site. SOme from here registered there when the future of PSO was in doubt. Then Martin stepped up here and got PTO going.

[ross]

And a GREAT job Martin has done .

[Jaye]

I second that!

[kenya]

Wow That's too bad about ACE, wonder what happened.

[windwalkingwolf]

Good, um, morning everyone!
I understand that I have some friends here, and they've been worried because I've been MIA for some time. Thank you, more than you can know, for your concern. I definitely owe an explanation, and I will do my best. Please keep in mind as I write this that my brain has not been working great for the past 4-5 months, and some things that I write may not be completely coherent.
I'm not sure how to start this. So much happened since last August (most in my brain lol) that I don't know where to start. OK.
I get a little blue in the fall as a matter of course. September to January is usually a crappy time emotionally for me for several reasons, but it's generally really mild and manageable. This year was not. SO not manageable.
I quit smoking last August. For a variety of reasons, but the main one was that I had dropped weight again(I went down to 95 lbs!!!) and nothing I did put it back on, including quitting caffeine for a month...but mainly just because it was TIME to do so (turning 50 in December seemed like a nice round number) and I finally actually wanted to try life as a non-smoker. Quitting went pretty well, and continues to go well. But, despite what the propaganda tells you, quitting smoking does not come with magical wonderful things like "more energy". No, quitting a stimulant comes with things like stupidity (or stupor), tiredness, slowness, depression, aches and pains, hormone disturbances, digestive disturbances. To someone prone to depression, like me, especially in the fall, August was probably a bad time to quit in retrospect. Perhaps if I hadn't been a dedicated smoker for 33 years (not including the other times I tried to quit) my regular fall depression would not have become the pit that it became. But, I'd been smoking 2 packs plus a day for the last 5 or 6 years, and I'd had enough.
I had to figure out who I was without that nicotine stimulant. At first, I wasn't happy with what I saw. Between withdrawal and depression, I could not handle social interaction of any kind. I tried, really hard for a bit, to talk to people I knew and cared about. I tried to have a social presence and maintain a sense of normalcy. I pushed my limits HARD and it's actually pretty lucky that my household is intact (barely) and that I didn't kill some stupid idiot for stating their opinion that Don Cherry has every right to be a prick because he's OLD (um, what?). I got sick of general douchebaggery and had to back off from all social interactions for a time. ALL social interactions, whether in person or online. Everything was just too much for me, while I was trying quietly not to kill myself or anyone else. "They" say to reach out for help when you feel like that, but, what help? I've been through the "help" system a couple of times, and I promise you, there is no help that will remove idiots from your life but YOU. No help that will help you reconcile shooting people that believe they are right as much as you do. There are other things I'd love help for, but it's just NOT there. No rest for the wicked, and no help for the tortured, but from the tortured themselves.
I live with an "old" entitled guy that spent his life wasting it to avoid responsibility. He still does it; refuses to accept any responsibility, and is fine with the fact that he spent the past 60 years living on public money. I got really sick of people who cannot see anyone else's point of view. Cannot put himself behind another's eyes, or in another's shoes as the saying goes. I'm disgusted that I allowed this man into my home. He is my husbands' sperm donor, and husband invited him here to live because of some mental crap of his own--Richard wanted to prove he was better than the rest of his welfare selfish family. Richard was hoping, I believe, to see if he could rehabilitate this man somehow, even a little bit. Paul's been here 2 1/2 years now and doesn't do ANYTHING he isn't forced to do, same as always, so I think it's a failed experiment. This man should have been pushed off a cliff 30 years ago, but for some reason it is perfectly acceptable to cull an animal that consistently fails in parenting but not a human.
This man has been wasting oxygen for his entire adult life. He's a disgusting parasite. I have had my hands and mental status full pretending he is not, and being nice enough not to unceremoniously dump him in a river somewhere. Jail time for me? Didn't bother me and still doesn't, it's THAT bad. There were MAGGOTS in my house. MAGGOTS. BLARRRRRGGGGHHHHH
I'm sure those who don't know me very well are thinking I must be some sort of hysterical, overreacting woman or something. Well, just imagine that someone you hate has just moved in, and literally and metaphorically puked, shat and pissed all over everything you own, all over every person, every value you hold dear. Spits on your floor, and even though perfectly capable, won't even clean up their own spit because they think YOU should do EVERYTHING for them simply because they are male and older.
I make Richard serve this douchebag. I refuse, as of August last year lol. Richard is seeing, finally, the extent of this idiots' laziness and arrogance, but is slow to get to the point I am at. I'm not sure how many stinking, maggoty chamberpots (when the man is perfectly capable of making it to the bathroom, and of dumping his own commode if he can't) it will take, but I have no intention of ever cleaning up after that man again except with gasoline and a match and him at the center of the inferno.
Seriously, it's a wonder I am not in jail, or a loony bin.
But anyway.
Usually when I get a bit of seasonal affective disorder (silly name for I Hate Winter) it's very mild and gone by the middle of January. Not this year. I still really need to avoid people and spend all of my time distracting myself with games and chickens. It looks like it's not going to go away anytime soon at all, and the only other new variable is that I'm without nicotine almost completely for the first time in over 30 years.
I suspected I was an ugly person, and now I have confirmation. I WILL come out the other side (right now I'm shooting for MAY, hopefully) because I will NOT let this thing beat me dammit, but I cannot socialize...I will speak the truth, the bald, ugly truth. I will probably be hurtful. I have had to heavily sensor even this post. I can't be "normal". I've never BEEN "normal", and dumping off the self-medicating things like alcohol (8 years) and cigarettes (last year) has made me realize that maybe I don't even know who I am.
But I know one thing. An addict is always an addict. An addict just changes one habit for another. I work in a nursing home, and I see my theory borne out all the time. Former drinkers and smokers just turn to other habits...eating, caffeine, picking and scratching, whatever. I am addicted to my birds. I need to refocus on that. They aren't going anywhere. I love this board, and the friends I've made on it.

[kenya]

Wow kick the bugger out!

[Killerbunny]

OK @windwalkingwolf I understand a tiny portion of this a tiny little bit. When I got diagnosed with BC and did Chemo etc. I WAS NOT SAFE to do things like shopping because any filter I had went out the window and I didn't care what I said to someone who nudged me with a shopping cart or pissed me off. Some people (so called friends) I just ghosted from because I realised they didn't matter. Funny but chicken people and chickens/turkeys generally kept me going, you were one of those people that helped me Jan. I still don't like to go out and do some things. Now that is nothing like you're going through.
SO in summary We're here for you if you need us!

[ross]

Big HUUGS Jan . You will find peace

[TomK]

What is ACE?

Hey Farrier..stop stealing my questions...lmao

[labradors]

Jan, I'm so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. I agree that your hubby should kick the bugger out!!!!